This should be a happy day, a joyous celebration of life. But all that I see in my feed is more death, more hate, and more pain. “There is also love in the world,” I tell people, but today I am losing faith. Greed, lust for control (I consciously avoid the use of the word power here, for power is a tool to be used), and hate is everywhere. I feel my brain trying to shut down as I try to articulate the evils I see, and the general indifference we have to those evils.

Are there those that are so small they must try to tear down others every chance they get? Let them live their lives as they see fit, as long as they are not taking away your freedoms. Or at least just let them live. I am so full of pain it is difficult to think, difficult to care, difficult to push forward with the simplest of tasks. Murder, beatings, rapes, starvation, houselessness, torments uncounted and unknown all pound against and past the barriers I have erected to protect myself from the full brunt of the ugliness this world has.

Ah, but the ugliness is not in the world–it is in us. Do we say “ugliness in the world” because we do not want to admit it is us? That it is the human race? “The world” is so ambiguous and large that it does not narrow down the culprits responsible for the evils and ugliness.

How can I effect change when I am emotionally huddled in a corner, overwhelmed by what I see? I know this feeling will pass, but should it? I should hold onto the outrage and anger so that I am impassioned to fight for a place where humans are better creatures. I should remember the pain but not let it paralyze me into inaction.

Today is my Birthday.
Happy Birthday to me. 

PS: Don’t worry, I am OK.    Spend your energies on combating hate and pain.

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My mother is a huge inspiration to me. She single handedly raised me and my four siblings after a twelve year marriage ended. We were all fed, clothed, and properly school supplied, somehow, by her minimum wage jobs. She had left college to get married, but did return many years later. Her courage and dedication led to the existence of five wonderful, if I do say so, additions to the human race. Well, even more, because she has eleven grandchildren who are mostly, so far, turning out to be good people as well.

Family is important to me, but inspiring? This I had to think about and yes they are an inspiration. I am closest with my siblings who all managed to meet wonderful spouses, earn college degrees, and have children of their own that are almost as awesome as my own three. More inspiring is how they came together when I needed them and gave so much love and support when tragedy struck, but more on that later.

Music! Ahhh music is inspiring. I’ve never had the patience to learn an instrument but my exposure to music as I was growing up was certainly a blessing. Music can inspire many things, pull out many emotions. It can alleviate pain, expand joy, and help you push through obstacles. I enjoy music, feel it, and take inspiration from it. Rock, pop, classical, folk music–I love it all! Well, almost all, some country is just a bit too twangy and some jazz a bit too improved for my tastes. But those are still inspiring in that I am inspired to change the song.

My friend pool is a bit on the small side. I almost said shallow side, but that might indicate their character rather than their numbers. One recent and new friendship has been very inspirational. An almost instant bond of comfort and understanding, an openness in conversations that has helped me greatly. This friend’s own dealings with their mental health have helped me take a closer look at my own and pushed me over the edge towards seeking assistance. I jokingly now say that I am in therapy because of them. Ha ha.

Words. I am inspired by words. Reading, writing, listending, hearing, speaking, and discussing them. Learning more about people; those new to me and old to me. Being exposed to new ideas and experiencing stories, both real and fantastic, is inspiring. Words have so much power and I guess I hope that someday my words will be an inspiration to others. This is part of the reason I am enjoying being back in school, to share words. The reason I am writing more and reading more. The reason I became a peer tutor in the reading and writing center here at PCC. I want to inspire.

My late wife is an inspiration. This is where we get to the “more on that later” part of the speech and why I sometimes find it hard to recognise those things that inspire me, or when I do, to act upon them. There was no task she was not willing to undertake and give her all to. This, of course, included her family. Talk about a Mama Bear! Yikes!

She was a huge Do-It-Yourselfer and would frequently take on projects with just a vague idea of how to accomplish the goal. Undaunted, she would push forward until it was figured out. Either on her own or with the help of me, others, or YouTube.

The first thing she said to me after we heard her diagnosis of cancer was “We got this!”, which is now a family motto and has inspired at least two tattoos. Her bravery, compassion, passion, and dedication were present every day of her life before and during her treatment. She never showed any doubt that she would get better, never gave up. For eleven months she fought every day until the very end. Now, eighteen months later, I am trying to remember and learn from her inspiration.

Thinking about what inspires me has been a good thing in that it has forced me to remember that there are still things that inspire and that “We got this!”. I am reminded to face life with the courage and dedication to family that my mother did. I am reminded by my family that success is possible, and that love is available. I am reminded that music is there, like an old friend or lover, to help me feel what must be felt.  I am reminded by a friend that open and honest communication is necessary. I am reminded that, with our words, we can all be an inspiration. I am reminded by my wife that no matter how dark things seem that we can push forward. More importantly I am reminded to let the breath of inspiration fill my being, to accomplish what I can, and to live my life to inspire others.

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