Letting Go…

For weeks the concept of ‘letting go while still holding on’ has been tumbling around in my head. But until a few days ago I didn’t really understand what I was trying to teach myself. I realized that I am holding onto the grief and pain of loss because it is part of the relationship I have with my late wife, and so very strong. Yes, there are the beautiful memories, our children, photographs, stories, and everywhere I look in our home has her touch. Even as terrible the grief and pain are, it is still a connection to her and not easily abandoned. A strong connection, for the grief is as strong as the love. So I hold on to all of it, desperate to keep that connection as strong as possible.

At first I pictured myself on the edge of a precipice holding her hand as she dangled above a nothingness. But then I realized that it is I that am dangling, desperately clutching her hand to avoid falling into the unknown that lies below. I am terrified of that unknown. And guilt, that silent companion of anger, tells me that if I let go it lessens the love I have for her.

I have felt a little more at peace after realizing this but also hesitation to move ahead with letting go. The fear of the unknown I spoke of is constantly present. So this, now, is the next part of my journey, my healing. To learn, to teach myself, that letting go of the grief and pain does not sever the connection I have with her, nor does it weaken it. Perhaps it makes it cleaner, more pure…